In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “First!.”
Yesterday, January 13, 2015 was one of the hardest days in my life. It was the day I attended my father’s funeral. You see, I am a big daddy’s girl, will be until I take my last breath. I was with him when he took his last breath and man was that hard too. BUT yesterday was finality. The last time we would ever see his physical body again.
This morning began with me sleeping in later than usual. I had spent the night with my daughters family because I lived out of town. I had slept with my grand children, who had to get up early for school. When their dad came in to wake them I could barely open my eyes. I fell back asleep and awoke 3 hours later.
As I reflected on my day there were 3 things I realized about my first day after the funeral:
1. Exhaustion had set in. The days following my fathers death had been both mentally and physically draining. We had to prepare for the upcoming funeral, for visitors who would visit the home and for phone calls to notify friends and family of my fathers death.
Many people had stopped by to tell us how sorry they were, to drop off food, and to ask about the funeral arrangements. Sometimes their visits would continue until late in the night.
As siblings we wanted to be close. It was hard for me to leave and go to my daughters home. I had lost my dad, I did not want to loose one of them. Sounds kinda crazy, I know, but I just wanted to be close to them.
I did not know how exhausted I was until I found myself waking up to so late this morning. By mid-day felt as if I had not slept in 3 days, however, I could not nap. I had no strength or energy to do anything.
2. I wanted to be alone. Just 3 days prior I wanted to be with my family all the time. Now all I wanted was to be alone. Alone I could keep myself busy. Busy doing laundry. Busy cleaning house. Busy on the computer. Just busy. No thinking. Just busy.
3. I was sick of eating. The smell of food was nauseating to me. You see, I realized that in my daze over the last few days, I ate all day long. I did not mean to eat. I did not want to eat. But eat I did. Every day, sometimes, twice a day, people would show up to our house with food. My mom wanted all the kids to eat together. I ate when I was bored. I ate when I was tired. I ate when I was hungry. I ate late and I ate bad food. Today I was just sick of food.
What I realized most today, the first day after the funeral, was that I miss my dad. The last 3 days had been a blur. The last three days have been busy. Today has been a day of missing my dad. It will get better each day. I know he is in heaven worshiping Jesus. I know I will see him again. But today, my first day after the funeral…..I miss him the most.